Would you like a better boss? A boss who helps you obtain valuable information, win needed resources, and secure important support for your group and for you personally — in short, a boss who's a real ally and partner?
If your boss provides these benefits, you're lucky. We hear far more complaints than praise from people about their bosses. If you're unlucky, this blog is for you, and its message is simple — your relationship with your boss is less a matter of luck than you think.
When we talk to managers with complaints, we find they usually assume the relationship rests entirely in the hands of the boss. It is what the boss makes it, and there's little they can do to change it.
Do you assume that it's your boss who sets the tone in your relationship? If so, test that assumption. Almost certainly, you have more ability than you think to shape how you work together. After all, it's a relationship of mutual dependence. You each need the other to succeed. Unless your boss is a psychopath or truly irrational, this interdependence is a foundation on which you can take steps to build something mutually beneficial.
Start by taking some responsibility for the relationship and asking yourself some basic questions:
Are you meeting expectations?
If your group isn't performing, you obviously cannot expect a great relationship. By underperforming, you're making your boss look bad. Hit your targets, work out a plan for hitting them, or re-negotiate the targets. If you don't, nothing else is likely to go right between you. Remember, too, that her expectations extend beyond simple numbers and include things like sharing key information, inclusion in certain key decisions, and even personal support and loyalty.
Do you see your boss as your coach or your judge?
In fact, every boss is both and you need to figure out when and where he tends to be one or the other. Don't fall into the trap of thinking he's only a judge. That hyper-critical assumption will prepare you for the worst because it puts you always on your guard. But it rarely reflects reality — most bosses can and will play both roles — and it will keep you from reaching out to him and obtaining the benefits of a good relationship. Better to see his dual roles as extremes between which he moves back and forth, depending on the situation. At first, in small, low-risk ways, test when and how he's willing to provide support, and move forward based on what you learn.
Does your boss trust you?
Have you demonstrated to her satisfaction your competence and character, the two pillars of trust? Does she believe you know what to do and how to do it? Does she believe in your values, standards, and intentions? Have you communicated them in your behavior and words? Any influence you have on her will begin with her trust in you.
Do the two of you see the current situation in the same way?
Do you see the problems you both face in the same way and do you agree about where you're going and how you're going to get there? Do you even understand the problems your boss faces? If you don't, he will inevitably wonder if you're helping him deal with them.
Are you able to see your boss as a person, not just an authority figure?
Behind your boss's title, there's an imperfect person just like you. She has hopes, aspirations, frustrations, strengths, weaknesses, and fears, and she's the product of her unique background, training, and experience. Do you know enough about her that you can begin to see the world through her eyes? If you do, can you use that knowledge to adapt how you deal with her, just as you use such insights to shape how you deal with anyone else?
Can you identify your boss's strengths and weaknesses?
Perhaps you can only see the weaknesses, but identify his strengths too — again, just as you would with anyone else. Have you thought about how to build on his strengths and work around or compensate for his weaknesses? You'll never have a boss without weakness of some kind. Be generous in your judgment of him, just as you hope your people will judge you generously.
Are you unknowingly bringing your own emotional baggage into this relationship?
Through years of growing up and dealing with authority figures, starting with our parents, many of us learn to dislike and distrust anyone who claims authority over us. Are your attitudes about your boss shaped by your own feelings and attitudes that are based not on experience with her personally but with others from your past?
Take responsibility for this crucial relationship. Test and probe to find what's possible. There are bad bosses with whom you will have little ability to shape the way you work together, but most bosses are just people like you, with likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. It will never be a relationship of equals — that's not how the world works — but it can be mutually supportive, and even mutually rewarding
Friday, May 27, 2011
Getting past a communication Impasse
What do you do when you have a communication impasse with someone?
Arun, Sarva & Srini were colleagues whom I have worked with and have known them for at least a year or more. It's been a hard year for me and I working with them didn't seem to be easy either. The language itself seems very accusing. They could not get what they were looking for in me and I could not get what i was looking for in them.
My last experience saw with Arun, Arun's way of leading has been surprising, for some reasons he feels intimidation, dis-respect and mocking people is the best way. Srini on the other hand believed in micro managing and absolute dictator like attitude without the ability to own. Sarva, I am still to figure out why we could never connect I was performing well doing what I should or so I believed.
All these experience has taken me aback, hurt and questioning my own ability to manage the relations better. I haven't been able to get some of the bickering and pointless, mindless conversations out of my head. Why was it happening to me? I've always believed that if I simply talk things through with someone I can resolve any issue but I have not be able to articulate my words in a very polished manner. Mostly due to immaturity, emotional outbursts and inexperience.
Intellectually, I understand managing business expectation & managing teams are highly emotional, very strained, and extremely difficult job. In that light, my question about their behavior seemed trivial and out of place. But emotionally it felt like a betrayal by all. And it left me wondering: Now what?
I could try to talk with them about it again. But I was pretty sure it would go the same way and I would leave feeling more hurt. I could go around talking to other people about them, getting their perspective, complaining. But that's not who I want to be. I could write them off completely. We live in a small world and in this fast paced life its only getting smaller. I don't want to get that rush of negative adrenaline every time we were in the same room. And anyway, do I really want to write off everyone whose actions hurt me? I'm sensitive; I might end up alone. Finally, and perhaps most important, I really want to work and work to get the best out of me.
My mother is surrounded by people who love her. Recently she told me she was going out with someone who had, quite literally, betrayed her; he went behind her back to buy a rare item that had been promised to her. The seller maintained his commitment to my mother and my mother maintained her relationship with both the seller and the betrayer. How was she able to get over it?
"I know what to expect from him," she told me of her betrayer. "That's the kind of person he is."
"Did you ever talk to him about it?" I asked her.
"No," she said, "Why should I? It wouldn't make a difference. I'm not going to change him. And talking about it won't change the situation."
"But how can you still spend time with him? Don't you get angry when you see him?"
"I'm too tired to be angry every time someone does something I don't like. And I don't want to be alienated from everyone. I enjoy him for his other attributes. But I know what to expect from him."
My mother's insight is profound. Her advice?
Live with it.
Their response isn't about me, it's about them, and I'm living in the space between never speaking to him again and trying to fix things by speaking to them. That space is called accepting people as they are.
Their response informs me about them. They have their own reputation for snapping at people and for using anger to intimidate and avoid. It's just that I would never appreciate it directed towards me. It's a part of their character. They may change but I'm not counting on it. My interaction with them offered me data. Data that tells me more about what I should expect from them in the future and choose whether this is the best way forward.
But snapping at me isn't all I should expect from them. And knowing that lets me appreciate the parts of them I like without becoming distracted by the parts I don't. It lets me accept them fully for who they are, without illusion. And it keeps me safe.
No hurt. No anger. No avoidance. No passive-aggressive comeback. Just acceptance of the situation and of them.
Will my relationship with them be more superficial from now on? I am sure it would. But I'm going to try hard not to let it. People are imperfect. That includes my mother's betrayer, it includes them, and it also includes me.
Which makes it all the more important not to write them off. If I did, then I'd end up writing myself off too. Accepting their imperfection and limitations enables me to accept my own.
Which now includes the realization that no matter how good I think I am at communicating, there are some situations I can't resolve with more communication.
***This was an article published by Harvard Business Review and I found it so relevant to my experience, i wanted to capture it with my own experience and see things differently..
Arun, Sarva & Srini were colleagues whom I have worked with and have known them for at least a year or more. It's been a hard year for me and I working with them didn't seem to be easy either. The language itself seems very accusing. They could not get what they were looking for in me and I could not get what i was looking for in them.
My last experience saw with Arun, Arun's way of leading has been surprising, for some reasons he feels intimidation, dis-respect and mocking people is the best way. Srini on the other hand believed in micro managing and absolute dictator like attitude without the ability to own. Sarva, I am still to figure out why we could never connect I was performing well doing what I should or so I believed.
All these experience has taken me aback, hurt and questioning my own ability to manage the relations better. I haven't been able to get some of the bickering and pointless, mindless conversations out of my head. Why was it happening to me? I've always believed that if I simply talk things through with someone I can resolve any issue but I have not be able to articulate my words in a very polished manner. Mostly due to immaturity, emotional outbursts and inexperience.
Intellectually, I understand managing business expectation & managing teams are highly emotional, very strained, and extremely difficult job. In that light, my question about their behavior seemed trivial and out of place. But emotionally it felt like a betrayal by all. And it left me wondering: Now what?
I could try to talk with them about it again. But I was pretty sure it would go the same way and I would leave feeling more hurt. I could go around talking to other people about them, getting their perspective, complaining. But that's not who I want to be. I could write them off completely. We live in a small world and in this fast paced life its only getting smaller. I don't want to get that rush of negative adrenaline every time we were in the same room. And anyway, do I really want to write off everyone whose actions hurt me? I'm sensitive; I might end up alone. Finally, and perhaps most important, I really want to work and work to get the best out of me.
My mother is surrounded by people who love her. Recently she told me she was going out with someone who had, quite literally, betrayed her; he went behind her back to buy a rare item that had been promised to her. The seller maintained his commitment to my mother and my mother maintained her relationship with both the seller and the betrayer. How was she able to get over it?
"I know what to expect from him," she told me of her betrayer. "That's the kind of person he is."
"Did you ever talk to him about it?" I asked her.
"No," she said, "Why should I? It wouldn't make a difference. I'm not going to change him. And talking about it won't change the situation."
"But how can you still spend time with him? Don't you get angry when you see him?"
"I'm too tired to be angry every time someone does something I don't like. And I don't want to be alienated from everyone. I enjoy him for his other attributes. But I know what to expect from him."
My mother's insight is profound. Her advice?
Live with it.
Their response isn't about me, it's about them, and I'm living in the space between never speaking to him again and trying to fix things by speaking to them. That space is called accepting people as they are.
Their response informs me about them. They have their own reputation for snapping at people and for using anger to intimidate and avoid. It's just that I would never appreciate it directed towards me. It's a part of their character. They may change but I'm not counting on it. My interaction with them offered me data. Data that tells me more about what I should expect from them in the future and choose whether this is the best way forward.
But snapping at me isn't all I should expect from them. And knowing that lets me appreciate the parts of them I like without becoming distracted by the parts I don't. It lets me accept them fully for who they are, without illusion. And it keeps me safe.
No hurt. No anger. No avoidance. No passive-aggressive comeback. Just acceptance of the situation and of them.
Will my relationship with them be more superficial from now on? I am sure it would. But I'm going to try hard not to let it. People are imperfect. That includes my mother's betrayer, it includes them, and it also includes me.
Which makes it all the more important not to write them off. If I did, then I'd end up writing myself off too. Accepting their imperfection and limitations enables me to accept my own.
Which now includes the realization that no matter how good I think I am at communicating, there are some situations I can't resolve with more communication.
***This was an article published by Harvard Business Review and I found it so relevant to my experience, i wanted to capture it with my own experience and see things differently..
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dear Mr. P
Tomorrow mark's a significant day for me. I have been trying to prepare for this for a while now and drawing all but blanks. I thought it would be nice to probably put my thoughts on paper and see if I can make sense of it. So here's what happened ..Grr...I am still not sure if it will put any perspective of things that have happened and if it makes sense to discuss this.
Joining BEI was a move I thought will help me find a stable, secure and reasonable role to grow and learn. Well it did give me a lot of learning and aspects of areas where I need to mature further but it was never in the area of my work. From the very inception each initiative and move were marked with criticism and cynicism. Shrewd, intimidating lingo and often misleading statements didn't help me find the spark needed to take off. From being an initiator to being micro-management to finally no management it seemed that we could not find any good between us. Trust and lack of confidence did not do any good either.
What was set out to be a five year goal when I joined turned in to a couple of years to next month to tomorrow to today and now. I have been a highly motivated and ambitious person nothing can take that away from me. The motivation is independent of the environment it is from the excitement I experience every time i am in front of the customer.
Well even re-reading it does not make sense. what went wrong here I guess everything the start, the day to day affair and finding a bit of faith and support.
Joining BEI was a move I thought will help me find a stable, secure and reasonable role to grow and learn. Well it did give me a lot of learning and aspects of areas where I need to mature further but it was never in the area of my work. From the very inception each initiative and move were marked with criticism and cynicism. Shrewd, intimidating lingo and often misleading statements didn't help me find the spark needed to take off. From being an initiator to being micro-management to finally no management it seemed that we could not find any good between us. Trust and lack of confidence did not do any good either.
What was set out to be a five year goal when I joined turned in to a couple of years to next month to tomorrow to today and now. I have been a highly motivated and ambitious person nothing can take that away from me. The motivation is independent of the environment it is from the excitement I experience every time i am in front of the customer.
Well even re-reading it does not make sense. what went wrong here I guess everything the start, the day to day affair and finding a bit of faith and support.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Just for Laughs!! Another Conspiracy
Well everyone's been talking about Osama and in turn pakistan. Well all of this is making so much fun reading and following. Just for the kicks even I have a theory rather an analysis. Why analyze when no one cares? Just for kicks when you have nothing better to do.
Well Pakistan has given thousands of terrorists and their supporters support; and for the world, give them support to catch them. Sounds like a successful business model. Its almost like breeding and collecting fees for hunting in a Range. Almost a very successful model. Remember when you breed snakes you are mostly like to be beaten once or twice. So why are they crying at all.
It all seems so perfect for Pakistan setting up task forces to catch the world no. 1 and his so called troops while they were happy billing US for all the running around. I can almost imagine the general giving orders to the poor pakistani soldiers Go search this Man called Osama everywhere except Abbottabad. Remember you should not go back to your academy to hunt such a terrorist. This was a great revenue earner for them almost the golden hen. Now that the golden hen is gone who will give them the money to catch the general or the minister giving them search orders. Usually no one pays for cleaning your own shit. This time I have a feeling this might just be the exception. Another way to rake in some mullah.
Sometimes I feel India missed out on the opportunity to buy some of these terrorist out and kill them in their background like the Americans have. Does it sound very inhuman. Well I apologies I mean no one should ever get killed because of the bullets we manufacture for our safety when all it does is kill. How can it ever protect. Don't ever wish to find that out. Anyways war is not the solution neither is keeping quite so lets all make some noise.
While some people are praying that he is gone (most of us), some are praying OMG he is gone (extremists), Some are praying shit he is gone (mostly paki officials), some are praying really is he gone? (always there), Some are praying have mercy he is gone (family & friends), some are praying let us all be (Abottabadi's I guess). If at all let us try and pray that none of us ever harbor, bring up or educate another Osama.
Well Pakistan has given thousands of terrorists and their supporters support; and for the world, give them support to catch them. Sounds like a successful business model. Its almost like breeding and collecting fees for hunting in a Range. Almost a very successful model. Remember when you breed snakes you are mostly like to be beaten once or twice. So why are they crying at all.
It all seems so perfect for Pakistan setting up task forces to catch the world no. 1 and his so called troops while they were happy billing US for all the running around. I can almost imagine the general giving orders to the poor pakistani soldiers Go search this Man called Osama everywhere except Abbottabad. Remember you should not go back to your academy to hunt such a terrorist. This was a great revenue earner for them almost the golden hen. Now that the golden hen is gone who will give them the money to catch the general or the minister giving them search orders. Usually no one pays for cleaning your own shit. This time I have a feeling this might just be the exception. Another way to rake in some mullah.
Sometimes I feel India missed out on the opportunity to buy some of these terrorist out and kill them in their background like the Americans have. Does it sound very inhuman. Well I apologies I mean no one should ever get killed because of the bullets we manufacture for our safety when all it does is kill. How can it ever protect. Don't ever wish to find that out. Anyways war is not the solution neither is keeping quite so lets all make some noise.
While some people are praying that he is gone (most of us), some are praying OMG he is gone (extremists), Some are praying shit he is gone (mostly paki officials), some are praying really is he gone? (always there), Some are praying have mercy he is gone (family & friends), some are praying let us all be (Abottabadi's I guess). If at all let us try and pray that none of us ever harbor, bring up or educate another Osama.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A special thanks
They say God sends people in your life from time to time to show He cares. While there are so many that fall in that category today I want to take this opportunity to thank some people who have been an ear, kind and encouraging people. I want to begin with my wife Teena, a wonderful loving wife and now a mother. Sophie, a truly supporting soul. Abhineet, vent box janemaan. Priti, a true fighter. UT, always have an eye on us. :)
There are so many more names that i want to write but I choose these people for a moment in time which I call trying..Hope to come out stronger and better. Thanks each and everyone of you who have played such a pivotal role in defining who I am today.
Love you all.
There are so many more names that i want to write but I choose these people for a moment in time which I call trying..Hope to come out stronger and better. Thanks each and everyone of you who have played such a pivotal role in defining who I am today.
Love you all.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
GIA, I love you
Honey, this is for you GIA. As a father I have been thinking about lots of things that I would like to do for you. I already feel the pressure of it; if I can say that. Probably an expectation for myself. I hope I can be a reasonable father who is able to grow with you. This involves understanding how you are growing and transition with you.
Often i think about the way we will communicate with each other. How will we build trust and responsibility for each other. How will I answer all your questions. I have never believed in restrictions and will not like to impose any on you. But I do believe that there are rules and these rules make our discipline which eventually determines our attitude. If any of it make sense to you.
Well you must be wondering why I choose to blog about it. Well I wanted you to understand that the thought and intend was always to align with the changing time and help myself and you to understand how thinking can change or evolve with time. This also happens to be my first, as in my first hand at raising a baby and it already is such a beautiful experience.
Every morning i get up at 5 AM automatically as if the body understands that its time for you to feed and the body works towards it. Playing with you when you wake up, massaging you and then holding you close to me is such a bliss. Everytime I look at you holding close to my face, I am almost amazed to realise I am a father and how adorable you are. Its a feeling I wont be able justify in words. At least not with the writing skills I have. Dressing you up and putting you to sleep again before leaving for work. Today when I write this blog about us I must admit on a couple of things as well.
You are an adorable child. Then again when you are crying its so hard to see you that way as well. Its so so unfair and I am unable to understand what you need and what you are saying (communication) but I try and I try my best to pacify you with my lullabies, walk around the house, on the terrace, up and down the stairs, feed you, finally you either smile on your own or some of what I did worked or you go to sleep. But all of the effort does finally result in watching an adorable child sleep in the crib specially made for you.
Honey it will always be the case, you would like me to understand what you feel and how I can not understand what you going through and I would always try my best but it would always help when you will speak your mind. Speak freely cause taking it for granted that I would always understand what you need or mean would be unfair. It would also be tough to keep pace with your feelings an emotions. Lets keep our date with time as slow and beautiful as possible. Speak freely speak your mind, help me understand you and hopefully you understand the effort I put in. I am nervous I admit because I want to the best I can be for our family, for you. I love you and I always will.
Often i think about the way we will communicate with each other. How will we build trust and responsibility for each other. How will I answer all your questions. I have never believed in restrictions and will not like to impose any on you. But I do believe that there are rules and these rules make our discipline which eventually determines our attitude. If any of it make sense to you.
Well you must be wondering why I choose to blog about it. Well I wanted you to understand that the thought and intend was always to align with the changing time and help myself and you to understand how thinking can change or evolve with time. This also happens to be my first, as in my first hand at raising a baby and it already is such a beautiful experience.
Every morning i get up at 5 AM automatically as if the body understands that its time for you to feed and the body works towards it. Playing with you when you wake up, massaging you and then holding you close to me is such a bliss. Everytime I look at you holding close to my face, I am almost amazed to realise I am a father and how adorable you are. Its a feeling I wont be able justify in words. At least not with the writing skills I have. Dressing you up and putting you to sleep again before leaving for work. Today when I write this blog about us I must admit on a couple of things as well.
You are an adorable child. Then again when you are crying its so hard to see you that way as well. Its so so unfair and I am unable to understand what you need and what you are saying (communication) but I try and I try my best to pacify you with my lullabies, walk around the house, on the terrace, up and down the stairs, feed you, finally you either smile on your own or some of what I did worked or you go to sleep. But all of the effort does finally result in watching an adorable child sleep in the crib specially made for you.
Honey it will always be the case, you would like me to understand what you feel and how I can not understand what you going through and I would always try my best but it would always help when you will speak your mind. Speak freely cause taking it for granted that I would always understand what you need or mean would be unfair. It would also be tough to keep pace with your feelings an emotions. Lets keep our date with time as slow and beautiful as possible. Speak freely speak your mind, help me understand you and hopefully you understand the effort I put in. I am nervous I admit because I want to the best I can be for our family, for you. I love you and I always will.
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